My Date Last Night (Humor)


When I did my taxes this year I found out that I spent over $14,000 on dates last year. Most of that was spent on dinner and drinks in Manhattan.

Now don’t get me wrong, I had some very good times, some great sex, some good conversations. Hell, I even made a good friend along the way, but mainly I came away from the datefeeling extremely disappointed and with a lighter wallet. Dateby date it’s not THAT much money but it all adds up fast!

In the past I had a habit of always grabbing the check and paying whether my date was hot or not. Whether we clicked or not. Basically I felt ashamed to let her pay. I also kept an interesting statistic and even I was surprised that only 5% of my dates even offered to pay– yes you see that right- 5%! One girl in the entire year offered to pay for the entire check. A very nice gesture. But of course I paid and doubt she was sincere. In light of all this evidence I knew I had to change some things. So, this year…

I DECIDED TO NEVER PAY FOR A FIRST DATE AGAIN.

How did I do this? First I adopted the mindset that a girl should naturally assume she’s paying for herself – not for me – for herself – I pay for me, you pay for you; we’re not at the ‘us’ stage just yet.

Now this wasn’t easy at first but I quickly got used to it. Then when going into the bar/restaurant/lounge etc. I would hand the server a credit card and ask them to open tabs for us. HEY!-Did you catch that? I said ‘TABS.’ Yah, don’t worry at least 95% of the girls I meet miss that one too. Just to make sure I usually confirm that the server has understood me too. I do this when the date rudely answers her cell phone or is in the bathroom (probably using her cell phone).

Guys, you know the MasterCard “priceless” series of commercials? Well, let me tell you, you won’t understand the meaning of ‘priceless’ until you see one of these girls handed their own check for 3 20$ martinis and overpriced food (that they would probably never buy on their own). It’s also very relaxing to encourage the girl to eat and drink up because even at 20$ a pop for exotic gooey blender drinks I could care less how many of them she has – cause SHE’S PAYING.

Oddly enough when she realizes that there are individual bills there will a few prolonged moments of discomfort. But don’t panic. Something that took me by surprise is how many girls suddenly have to ‘go to an ATM‘. I can’t quite figure out if it’s because their cc’s are maxed out on shoe purchases or that they are trying to guilt me into paying.

Well, probably a combination of both, but I’m remorseless after doing this for nearly 3 months now. Which brings me to my date last night… O-M-G!

Of course the classy nice Irish pub I suggested wasn’t good enough for her. Nah. She needed to go somewhere more trendy. Ok, no problem. W? Hudson? Meatpacking Dist? SoHo? Where we going? So she picks a midtown hotel bar. Nice place. Little stuffy. Drinks, not bad and Macadamia nuts on the lounge tables (complimentary) nice! Of course I went through my usual routine, handed the server a credit card asked her if we can start tabs she said, ‘sure’ and took the card. 1 drink in her cell phone rang. She apologized, (she had to get it). So I moved into confirmation mode. Our waitress even missed the ‘tabs’ part but she adjusted on the fly and told me no problem. Boy, let me tell you – the girl I was with could really throw down the drinks. She was drinking scotch that was older than the hotel we were in. Of course I encouraged her the whole way.

She was like, wow they have Johnny Walker BLUE label! I was like, ‘you ever try it?’ She’s like..’Nooooooo!!!’

I’m like, ‘go on..just get some’. She’s like ‘are you sure’. I’m like, ‘look, if you want it, just get it!’

So she ordered one, then another, and finally one more… wow she was probably more than a little drunk.

I stuck to my Stoli and Soda, splash of Cran.

When the BILL(S) came she sobered up fast. I caught a glimpse of hers, 5 drinks plus a little finger food $319.00 I think it was. She looked shocked and sick to her stomach when she saw 2 bills. Guess she thought I was buying. Think again. (The old me woulda soaked up the bill but steered her away from the Blue)

I had 4 drinks, no food and a great buzz. Pricey Stoli, but overall still a good value (I ate a ton of free macadamias and almonds) $36.00. Damn I thought, that BLUE label will get you every time. Of course she did more than the traditional fumble through her purse.

Her face was beat red and she was speechless. She left the bill on the table and excused herself for the restroom.

I had already paid and was sucking on some ice. The waitress was looking concerned. I told her, ‘look’. Sure enough my date was heading out toward the front door. I slowly grabbed my coat as the waitress ran after her. Then security or a bellman grabbed her at the door and a small shouting match ensued. Can you imagine, she was trying to leave – without paying!

Well, I didn’t stick around to see what happened. All I saw was the poor waitress standing just inside the front door with a small cocktail tray. She did look concerned but not panicked. A doorman and bell hop had the girl by the arm, outside and was semi-forcing her back inside, she wasn’t getting away from this bill. I paid my bill. I had my receipt.

But I couldn’t help wondering why she ordered 3 Johnny Walker Blues, doesn’t she know that stuff is expensive?

Then I wondered if they had to arrest her while I had another drink at my local Irish pub.

I haven’t heard from her again. Too bad, she was pretty cute too.

Author Unknown

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