Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big ‘hello’.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can’t place where he might know her from, so he says, ‘Sorry, do you know me?’
She replies, ‘I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children’
Dylan’s mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, ‘Blimey!’ he says, ‘Did we meet on Frank’s stag do in Newport? Dylan continued, ‘When I was released from the police station and got back to the hotel room, you had gone.’
No, ‘she replies, ‘I’m your son’s English Teacher’.
Round Like a Shot
Round like a shot… Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told there was no one in the area to help. The policeman said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up.
A minute later I rang again. ‘Hello’, I said, ‘I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t have to hurry now, because I’ve shot them.’ Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: ‘I thought you said you’d shot them.’ To which I replied: ‘I thought you said there was no one available.’
One foggy night, a United States Aircraft Carrier was cruising off the coast of Newfoundland and the junior radar operator spotted a light in the gloom. Here is a transcript of what happened next.
The radar operator worked out that a collision was likely unless the other vessel changed its course. So he sent a radio message.
U.S. Aircraft Carrier Radar Officer:
‘Please divert your course at least 7 degrees to the south to avoid a collision’.
Back came the reply: ‘You must be joking, I recommend you divert your course instead’.
The U.S. Radar Officer referred the matter to his superior officer. And reported the incident as insubordination.
As a result the Captain of the Air Craft Carrier sent a second message. ‘I believe that I out rank you, and am giving you a direct order to divert your course now!!!’
Canadian Radio Operator:
‘This is a lighthouse. I suggest you take evasive action.’