The Poker Club
Seven retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single-hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna’ tell his wife?” They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse. “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!”
So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido’s condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Pasquale declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.
“I’ll go tell him.” says Pasquale
Before the blackout..
I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar.
They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them chirped saying, “It’s Wales, you idiot!”
So, I immediately apologized and said, “I’m sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s pretty much the last thing I remember… and I understand there are no visitors allowed in the Intensive Care unit!
The Best Gift
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.
The first said, “You know I had a big house built for Mama.” The second said, And I had a large theater built in the house.” The third said, “And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
“Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”
“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”
“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”
“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much. Love, Mom”
Drive me nuts!
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered (I always call her “honey” in times like these), “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.
“Idiot”, she barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”
Bury the hatchet!
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won’t ask for directions.”