The Memory Is The First Thing To Go
A couple in their nineties are having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember things.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, “Where are you going?” “To the kitchen,” he replies.
She asks, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” The husband says, “Sure.” She gently reminds him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”
He says, “No, I can remember that.” She then says, “Well, I’d like some strawberries on top.
You’d better write it down ’cause I know you’ll forget it.” He says, “I can remember that – you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
She adds, “I’d also like whipped cream. Now I’m certain you’ll forget that, so you’d better write it down.”
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream!”
He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast?
A Rushed Marriage
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”
He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-Meter board, and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out, and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said,” That was incredible!”
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No.” she said, “I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.
A Bad Day
A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car.
State cop: “License and registration please.”
Man: “I’m sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?”
State cop: “I clocked you on radar doing 75mph.”
Man: “There must be some mistake, I was only going 65.”
Wife: “Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!”
State cop: “I’m also citing you for having a tail light out.”
Man: “But officer, I wasn’t aware it was out.”
Wife: “Oh Harold, you know it’s been out for two months.”
State Cop: “I’m also fining you for not wearing your seat belt.”
Man: “But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car.”
Wife: “Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt.”
Man: “Listen you dumb bi***h, shut your f***in’ mouth!!!”
State Cop: “Ma’am, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: “Only when he’s drunk…….”
Marooned Too Long
A young fellow from Milwaukee became marooned on a deserted South Pacific island after his cruise ship sank. For several years, he managed to live on fruits and vegetables he found on the island, together with shellfish and an occasional fish he was able to catch.
Then, one day as he was sitting on the beach, he saw an object approaching the island. As it got closer, he could see that it was a woman astride a barrel. When she finally managed to paddle the barrel ashore, he ran over to greet her, and noticed that she was a beautiful girl. “Wow,” he exclaimed, “I’m sure glad to see you!”
Noticing that his clothes were gone and he had quite a beard, she asked “My goodness, how long have you been here by yourself?” “Almost four years, I think” he replied. She said “Well, I’m going to give you something you haven’t had in a long time, and I’m sure you have missed.”
“Well, hot damn!” he exclaimed, “Have you got beer in that barrel?”